I recently read that introverts like to keep their stories short. I truly am an introvert but this will be a lengthy read. I hope you will bare with me to the end.
I was raised by a mother who had so many issues of her own. As a very young girl I was more her friend and my sister’s mother than a child. My sister and I were abused by mom’s second husband. That brought scars of its own but then she continued to see him after the fact… Deeper wounds! She is currently on her fifth husband and we are estranged. It’s a very toxic relationship.
My grandmothers kept us a lot of the time. This is where my faith comes from. I was saved and baptized at the age of nine in the Baptist Church. (one grandmother was Pentecostal and one was Baptist) I’m a professing Bapticostal! LOL! I went to church camp, was involved in youth group, and tried my best to be a good Christian girl. As far as I understood that.
I was a sophomore and Dan was a senior in high school when we met (1985). We married in June of 1989. Dan was from a Pentecostal family and before we married he made sure that we were on the same page as far as our faith was concerned. In the early years we “partied” and did not live for God. Looking back we thought life was great but I’m so sure we missed some great blessing from God.
In 1992 our daughter Kayla was born. We started to see the need to be in church. We had a family that needed to know the Lord. For a few years we attended church regularly until Dan attended a meeting of the elders. He was blown away by how these “Christian men” acted. We stepped out for a while but eventually found a church.
We adopted two children (5 and 7 years old) when our daughter was 13. We wanted a larger family and couldn’t have any more of our own. We raised them in church over the next 14 years. With another family we started a church which Dan pastored. We farmed, did youth groups, church, school events, 4H. You name it we were on the go.
Grandma Todd came to live with us because she could not be on her own. This was so wonderful! I got to care for the woman who loved an nourished me through my childhood. Eventually she had to go to an assisted living home because I had to work and she was falling during the day and not eating when I wasn’t home.
We quit church… again! Empty nest began to set in. COVID hit. I became “discontent” with Dan and our life. He was going through a midlife crisis and I was in the middle of a hysterectomy induced menopause. I told him I wanted a divorce. Worst mistake of my life. He tried to get me to change my mind but I was being so stubborn and would not give in. We divorced in May of 2020.
I finally came to my senses in 2021. We are back together and working on reconciling our relationship. It’s a rough road with all the mistakes I have made. Communication has always been a problem with us and that is something I am working on.
We are not back into a church. I am looking for one near to attend but until then I join a few different churches online. I pray and read God’s word daily. I am waiting on and trusting Him to move in this situation. It’s hard some days… trying not to get ahead of the Lord.
That’s where I am today. Waiting.
Update 5/10/24 – Living with a narcissist is very damaging to oneself and those around us. I started therapy again with the same therapist I saw after being released from the stress center last year. He is going to help me become strong enough to “move on”. Dan has become increasingly violent. Not necessarily to me but throwing things and screaming. Then he is super sweet and loving. My therapist calls this “love bombing” to draw me back in. I know all you strong women out there are wondering “why doesn’t she just leave?” It’s hard. That’s all I can say. I’ve been stripped of my confidence, self esteem, and joy. If it weren’t for my Jesus…
My Abundant Life 